Disclaimer, this post may prompt deep thought.
I have always felt that dogs need protecting and looking after, and of course they do – they definitely rely on us to meet their needs as do all domesticated animals. We have taken away the opportunity for them to practice natural behaviour, so we get to create that opportunity for them in their homes.
I was obsessed, though, totally obsessed with ensuring that dogs felt no discomfort at all. Emotional discomfort wasn’t acceptable. No type of discomfort was acceptable in my view. Dogs were victims and we were the perpetrators, and my job was to protect them, and that word was final.
I used to go on social media and SHOUT the loudest at other humans, desperate for people to be nicer to dogs. Angry that people were not being nice enough, furious at the state of dog training.
Oh my, was I self-righteous. I was also angry, sad, and exhausted a lot of the time. I remember writing a blog about Cesar Millan once and so much hate came at me from all around the world, I ended up having to go to bed for a day and broke out in cold sores.
Don’t get me wrong here, I’m not giving up on advocating for dogs. I’ll do that till my dying breath; it’s in my veins and oxygenates my lungs.
What I have realised, though, is that doing it from awareness makes all the difference. When in awareness, WE can make a bigger difference. When in collapse, desperation, and disregulation, we are as effective as a feather dancing on the wind.
In awareness, it became clear that what I was trying so hard to give dogs was what I needed myself. I was protecting them because I had been unable to protect myself from damaging experiences as a child. I was their voice because no one had been there to be my voice. I was projecting my needs all over the place, and while doing that, I wasn’t allowing my own dogs to have their own fulfilling experience in this life.
My husband once told me that I wouldn’t allow them even a millimetre of discomfort. He really struggled with that. I really struggled with letting my dogs feel bad in any way. It became an unhealthy cycle in our relationship, just one of many it seems.
Stepping back now from that headspace, I’m able to ask:
Is this what my dog needs, or is this what I think my dog needs based on what I need or needed?
Am I projecting here and desperately rushing to meet a need that my dog doesn’t have?
Are they safe, are they OK?
Am I actually doing harm by my inactivity here or is this a dysfunctional intrusive thought?
Oh, I remember that deep feeling of never believing things were just OK. What a bind that was. That niggling belief that I couldn’t relax because of a million ways I was being selfish, neglecting someone… that self-blame and shame.
Being able to just be is the centre of my existence now, and I’m sure my remaining dog appreciates it greatly. And the beauty of it is, as I have healed my own childhood traumas, my own needs have changed dramatically.
Here he is - just because he's perfect.
I don't have unmet needs so have stopped obsessing about the needs of others.
I have stopped projecting, assuming, worrying, blaming, and shaming others (because that’s a projection of how we feel about ourselves too, you know; everything is ultimately inside but that's for another post) simply because I have healed myself.
So let me ask you something now:
How many of your choices towards others (including dogs) are based on you meeting their needs to try and meet your own long forgotten needs?
Do you know?
How many times do you judge someone else or their experience based on what is being highlighted inside you?
How often do you feel that you need to do better and be better?
How often do you experience ‘I’m not enough,’ that delightful thought pattern that leads to burnout, anger, sadness, and compassion fatigue. That same thought pattern that causes hostility in us towards others. The same thoughts that stop us from looking at our own uncomfortable feelings because ‘it’s not safe in there.’
This is where awareness comes in:
When we become aware of ourselves, we heal.
Awareness in the world makes us more able to empathise.
Awareness that we are all so connected, well, that encourages us to love.
Our dogs are a mirror, and they are gently pushing us to understand ourselves. They are reflecting back what we need to know about ourselves all the time. I would say they must be pretty bored of us because we are not great at taking the reins of our own understanding, are we?
But dogs are the epitome of patience and grace.
While we avoid ourselves and our feelings, they just keep showing up exactly as they are, to remind us.
None of us really want to go in and look at a sad part that was abandoned or neglected when we were five or something similarly painful, do we?
So our dogs, they put up with us.
Mine allowed me to mollycoddle them to the point of ridiculousness. At one point, I had 24 dog beds for 3 dogs (true story and they all slept on the furniture anyway). They held my projecting with dignity.
You might say they knew they were loved, and I’m sure they did – but I’m also sure they regularly thought, ‘stop fussing, woman.’ they might have even though 'for dog's sake look at yourself'.
There’s an amazing gift in our dogs that goes much beyond their precious selves. There is a loving mirror; they are helping us know ourselves. They are highlighting the journey to our best life.
Our dogs are showing us the way to peace and powerful lives over and over again. We only have to open our hearts to the greater understanding that they offer.
So ask yourself this:
What is your dog highlighting in you?
What are all dogs highlighting in you?
What is your career with dogs highlighting in you?
Therein lies the most important next step for you to take. That bit inside which doesn't feel very nice. But that will make lots of space for better things to fill.
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